OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE VIA COMPUTER
Entnommen aus MALEDICTA 8 (1985) mit
freundlicher Genehmigung von Dr. Reinhold Aman. Alle Rechte
Computer networks can be used to gather information from throughout the world. Unlike in traditional fieldwork, one does not have to interview informants personally but simply posts a query, or an entire questionnaire, on the electronic bulletin board (BB), and the users respond. BB's make this novel way of collecting data and responding easy: one calls the BB's number and leaves one's response. The quality and range of the responses depend on the precision of the questions asked, as well as on the type of user. Naturally, one can ask only those who have a computer and modem, which severely restricts the field of informants. However, these informants can gather information locally from those lacking such equipment and send it to the BB.
Henry Eirdseye's "The Unknown BBS" is such a system for collecting information. It runs at 300 and 1200 baud and contains about one-quarter million characters' worth of kakological riddles, jokes, and other offensive language. It can be reached 24 hours a day by calling (999) 999 ( r. I Z) -92 Q - 88 47
To test the usefulness of his system, Mr. Birdseye asked his BB users about terms for masturbation, urination, and vomiting. He did not request other essential information from the informants, such as their sex, age, geographic location, education, profession, etc., but the simple data below prove that such a BB system can be used successfully. To transmit the information gathered to others, one can either call up the BB and download it (have it sent by telephone to one's own computer), or ask for a printout, which I did.
Following below are the terms, after organizing and alphabetizing the raw data.
to masturbate (of females): beat the beaver, buttonhole, clap your clit, cook cucumbers, grease the gash, hide the hotdog, hit the slit, hose your hole, juice your sluice, make waves [from "the (little) man in the boat" = clitoris?], pet the poodle, slam the clam, stump-jump.
to masturbate (of males): beat the bishop, beat your little brother, beat the meat, burp the worm, butter your corn, choke the chicken, clean your rifle, consult Dr. Jerkoff, crank your shank , dink your slinky, feel in your pocket for your big hairy rocket, file your fun-rod, fist your mister, flex your sex, flog the dolphin, flog your dog, grease your pipe, hack your mack, hump your hose, jerkin'the gherkin, milk the chicken, Onan's Olympics (n.), one-stick drum improvisation (n.), pack your palm, paint your ceiling, play a flute solo on your meat whistle, play the male organ, please your pisser, point your social finger, polish your sword, pound the pud, pound your flounder, prompt your porpoise, prune the fifth limb, pull the pope, pull your taffy, run your hand up the flagpole, shine your pole, shoot the tadpoles, slakin' the bacon, slam your hammer, slam your Spam, slap your wapper, spank the monkey, spank the salami, strike the pink match, stroke the dog, stroke your poker, talk with Rosy Palm and her five little sisters, tickle your pickle, thump your pumper, tweak your twinkie, unclog the pipes, varnish your pole, walk the dog, watch the eyelid movies, wax your dolphin, whip your dripper, whizzin'jizzum, wonk your conker, yang your wang, yank the yam, yank your crank.
to urinate: bleed the liver, drain the dragon, drain the (main) vein, get rid of the bladder matter, siphon the python, visit Miss Murphy.
to vomit: drive the big white bus, hug the porcelain, kneel before the porcelain throne, pray to the porcelain gods, school lunch rerun (n.), technicolor rerun (n.), upchuck.
OFFENSIVE LANGUAGE VIA COMPUTER